Monday, January 28, 2008

Republics Negros Still Waiting For Forty Acres and a Mule!

As Reported in the Onion:
;-)
Tuesday 20 May 1902
Republic's Negros Still Waiting For Forty Acres and a Mule!
Agriculture Secretary Faults Low Mule, Acreage
Availability at Present.
Washington, May 18...
Nearly 30 years after the end of Reconstruction, freed-men and free-born throughout the lands' Negro populace experienced today yet another delay in their long promised allocations of
Forty Fcres and a Mule.
citing "prohibitive" federal budget inadequacies,"
U.S. Agriculture Secretary James Wilson announced that
"the United States presently cannot afford to allocate
Forty Acres or Mules
to any citizen particularly those
of dark skinned African persuasion, at this time."
Wilson urged all Negroes to remain forth-right and stead-fast in their patience.
He addressed Negroes directly by adding,
"Please do not commit any acts of violence or impropriety
against our nation's White Women
while waiting."
Negroes were urged by the Secretary to bear in mind
that the consequences of any such tempestous response
to his announcement would cause
further delays in Mule and Acreage allocations" he said.
Wilson promised that, if coffee was served hot, in a timely fashion,
and with pleasant demeanor,
any number of Mules and allocations,
may be forth-comings.
For Negroes who may have grown tired of waiting,
the Department of Agriculture is offering special premiums
that may be accepted in lieu of Mules and Acreage.
Negroes waiting fifteen to twenty-five years are eligible
to receive a three-legged stool,
suitable for milking a cow or goat, or for elevating themselves
to a slightly higher station than to which they are normally accustomed.
Negroes who have been waiting twenty-six to forty-two years,
will receive a wooden, jointed dancing-man on a stick,
which makes a pleasing and whimsical clattering sound
when jerked in an up-and-down motion upon a thin piece of wood.
And finally,
those Negroes who have waited
forty-three years are more will receive a fine bold of sturdy calico,
from which anything from curtains to a fancy pinafore maybe sewn.
Despite these considerable offers (platitudes),
some Negroes stubbornly continue to hope
for the Parcel of Land and Mule they were promised
so long ago,
despite the reasoned explanations given to them
as to why this is not likely.